Maiden to Crone
I feel like the female body is a source of fear for many. It bleeds but does not die; it ushers in life and sometimes death, and it is the source of the greatest power in the world.
We are the keepers of life and death. We are the gates through which all life emerges. Our wombs, our bodies, our breasts, our blood, our milk are the reason that anyone is here to wake up in the morning, to drive a car, to admire a sunrise, to sneeze or jog or giggle. It’s because of women that there is any society, and yet societies across the world disparage and abuse and try to erase and hide women, to deny our magic and suppress our voices and abilities and contributions.
I felt this for much of my life. I didn’t want to think about my body in that way- a gate of life. I viewed my period as a nuisance and inconvenience. I don’t think I even knew that I ovulated, let alone how to know when I was ovulating so I never harnessed that power. It makes me sad sometimes, and a little ashamed to think of how much life force I have wasted and suppressed in my life. I took hormonal birth control for years and years, so for years and years I didn’t ovulate. Those were the darkest years of my life. I was deeply depressed and on many a pharmaceutical as a result, each with its own host of side effects that I feel like I’m still healing from.
The idea of birth absolutely terrified me. Media depictions of birth were all I knew, and those are pretty universally horrifying. I thought of being a woman as a curse, a punishment, or at least an extra burden to bear in this lifetime. Being raised in Protestant churches hearing stories of Eve’s punishment will do that to you, I suppose.
It wasn’t until I had a miscarriage in 2019 that I felt that stirring of power inside me, and my entire perspective shifted. I started this painting shortly after that experience. I called it “Maiden to Crone” because that was how I felt. My womb felt like a battleground. I had briefly experienced that magical sense of carrying burgeoning life, and after a few short weeks, I gave birth to death. It was incredibly sad, yes, but it was also unbelievably empowering to watch my body know exactly what to do to bring this small experiment at life out of my body and into my hands.
That experience opened this current chapter of my life, of learning about the spectacular magic of the female body, of my own body, finding spirituality through connection to my cycle, something I never believed I could have after my upbringing in the church and my complete lack of resonance with it. I have done so much learning and much more unlearning in these past few years, it’s been the biggest work of my life. I can’t even describe the freedom and power that come with living a womb-centered life. What used to feel so dark now feels so blissful, what was a struggle is now easeful, where I felt bewildering confusion I now feel so much clarity. I’m not saying my life is perfect because it ain’t and I am very much still on the path of learning and healing. But I have the right guide, the compass, the map.
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